Sometimes, we could think that the only important thing in communication is The Truth Process- of speaking from our hearts and making sure that we allow the people who surround us to do the same. This sounds fabulous in its intention, as each of us would be free to go about our best work and have a fantastic life, filled with freedom from untruths. And yet, true connection requires a little more than just each of us speaking.

For communication to truly reach our souls, an entire two-way cycle must occur: we have an intention that receives attention by another. This is then duplicated and acknowledged, and our communication cycle is complete. When this happens we have high affinity and connection with the person we are chatting with. In this state, arguments and irritations rarely happen. Sounds easy, right?

Yet sometimes we don’t complete the conversation cycle. Perhaps we get distracted, interrupted or simply lose interest in what is being said. When this happens the person who initiated the convo gets stuck in ‘answer hunger’. If the hunger is transient and they are sated quickly all can still be well, but if they are waiting for too long, they will accept any inflow (because they are starving), and that ‘food’ might not even be related to the original conversation starter… and so the stories begin. 

This can happen inadvertently for a variety of reasons, many of them internal. Perhaps we are stressed, busy or just unable to take in new information. Maybe we aren’t interested (does anyone else have a small child who likes to wake up at 5am and give a blow-by-blow account of their dream from last night? -Al) or just not present. So we didn’t intend for our friend to go hungry.

And sometimes we do mean it. And mean it meanly.

We might be intentionally giving a “no answer” to make a point, show displeasure or to end a conversation. Or we might simply say “fine” (when it’s clearly not) just to shut things down. Whilst these may all be useful tactics to change the course of an interaction, they are probably due to something deeper (again, that real issue thing), or something big (the elephant in the room) that we are afraid or unwilling to address. 

Interestingly, communication experts say that the best way to solve our problems are to complete the cycle, and then take turns in initiating new conversations, which leads to greater depth and meaning in our chats. They say that arguments rarely happen when these ‘rules’ are followed.

This week we would love you to take a step back, and have a look at the quality of the conversations you are having. 

If many of them are about externals and things that are outside your control, then there is a fair chance you are not engaging in ‘taking turns’ in originating conversations. 

If some of them are unresolved or leaving someone in starving, then you may not be completing cycles.

If things are getting heated and there’s lots of arguing, then perhaps you aren’t receiving the information accurately.

And if you are finding it difficult to talk about matters that matter, then perhaps it might be time to consider a good old dose of truth.

Have fun this week, noticing what you talk about, and what you listen to, and remember that Mum was right (!) it’s all about taking turns.