The Queen’s Code Summary Notes

The following are point-form notes from the book. Obviously they are concise and really intended as an appendix to the book itself. If you’d like some further discussion please have a listen to our July FB Live, or spark up a discussion in The Clique.

Below are some of the top ideas, organised into which character presented them.

Raul Quotes:

“Career women don’t need a man for anything. And they make sure you always know it. No matter what I do, they’re proving they can do it better. One woman even said to me, “I can out man any man,” as if that was a good thing.”

“Success isn’t that satisfying without a partner to share it with.”

Melissa Quotes:

“Are you sure ‘Frog Farming’ applies to you? Isn’t that taking on yourself what’s really the fault of men? No matter what that jerk said, men do change- and not for the better. We both know that too well. Remember how cold Mathew became only month after you married him? I wanted to kill him.”

Claudia Quotes (and ideas):

“I avoid Frog Farming by understanding and inspiring men. For example, I understand how they think and I am fluent in the language they speak. I also have a different point of view about men that prevents me from being hurt or frustrated by them.”

“Men were blamed, as they are today, for almost everything women no longer accepted. Men were considered the enemy. It was unfashionable to want to understand them. Men were wrong. And some women set themselves to proving they did not need men at all.”

“She did not want to support men in opening up, by listening to them the way they need to be heard. She did not want to give men the energy to provide and the inspiration to act, by using the words that resonate for them. She could not imagine that it is possible for men and women to be powerful a the same time. She always thought it had to be one or the other and that she would lose whenever men succeeded.”

Women bring out the worst in men by antagonising the most primitive aspects of men.

Women bring out the best by using words that resonate with a man’s spirit, heart and soul…they connect with the noble essence of men and are a call to action.

“She has to release the shame that keeps her silent.” 

Women: “tend to think that whatever bad thing is happening now will continue forever.

And that a good thing will disappear at any moment.

We can lack perspective because the amygdala (the worry part of the brain) is more active than in men and it can make us lose faith.” 

Are the qualities you use to see men are relative or absolute. And if relative: to what? Usually the “Perfect person”, who is a female (and most likely a perfect version of us) . This assumes that men are meant to be duplicates of women. So there are no wholly unique capabilities. By not seeing men’s brilliance, we can’t fully appreciate our own.

If men don’t do what a perfect person would, they are misbehaving (they don’t respect or care enough for us) so they must be punished. 

When we think they don’t respect or care enough we think there’s something wrong with us. And if we were more something (insert your choice) they would love/care/respect enough to act like the PP. ie: if we were more PP then they would be more PP.

“When women cannot get wheat they need- no matter how they change themselves- it hurts deeply. They react to hurt with anger. If the hurt is not healed, the anger ages into resentment. Accumulated resentment makes a woman bitter.”

What happens when men are frog farmed? 

1. Keep distance instead of seeking intimacy. 2. Compete with women instead of cherishing. 3. Treat women with suspicion instead of trust. 4. Treat women with disdain, coming from fear instead of love.

“The make-up of the masculine brain causes it to focus on one result. It commits itself to the accomplishment of that result, and screens out everything that is irrelevant to that result. This is virtually the opposite of the feminine brain.”

The feminine consciousness is spread in every direction (diffuse consciousness). It is taxed by the errors to screen out the ‘racket’. It is aware of the mental, physical and emotional states of all the people around her.

Karen:

“Women will ask a man a question. When he doesn’t respond immediately, she assumes he didn’t understand the question, and she rephrases it. When he doesn’t respond to the new question immediately, she assumes that he’s too stupid for something open-ended and must need a multiple choice question, which she provides. She doesn’t get a reply to that either and by that time he’s visibly irritated and she doesn’t understand why.”

When men are strong, women can be threatened so they criticise (punish) them until they are weak and women feel comfortable again. 

Men are providers. 

Mike:

Men want to be adored.

“When a man cares about a woman, every moment he’s with her, he’s looking for signs. Signs that she cares about him too and more than that- that she thinks he’s worth of her caring about him.” 

Burt:

“If you want to bring out the worst in a man, don’t let him have an impact. Don’t let him provide anything for you.”